Not the Highest Light

In Self-Help, Story Line by Zackplauche4 Comments

Vegas is an amazing place to be.

As I write this, I moved here a little over 3 months ago. This decision was based on 2 primary facts:

  • Low Cost of Living
  • High Volume of people and woman to practice networking and game

In my day to day, and much more recently, I’ve been trying to disconnect from social media and learn to enjoy being with myself. It’s really strange. I feel like the more independent I become the more social I want to be, but the more social I want to be the more I feel disconnected from and deflated in my sense of self.

My life is better than ever… I live on my own, have a job that pays well, I’m in a city with massive amounts of new people for me to meet, yet there’s still an issue with my self esteem.

I don’t even consider it to be low, at least, compared to a lot of people I know. To myself it still feels as if there’s a glass wall that I can’t seem to move past.

In Self-Help culture it’s understood that discomfort and fear is what growth is made out of. In my own life, I totally agree. But the problem I run into is that when I try using self-acceptance or listen to other people’s advice (in the context of me doing something I know isn’t beneficial, i.e., occasional junk food, video games, worrying what other’s think, etc.) of “these things happen”, my brain uses it as an excuse to keep doing those things and making the same mistakes.

I get it. I’m human. And from where I started off a few years ago, I am so much further ahead than I basically ever thought I would be at 20. Everyday I’m reading, meeting people, working with relationships and myself.

In truth, I’m not as great as the person I want to be. I think I’m moving in that direction, but to be honest I’m not entirely sure. I think that’s normal.

As far as my dating, I definitely feel there’s a glass wall. I’m not able to be intimate with people, much less girls that I’m attracted to. I’m not honest all the time. I use stupid tactics, or don’t go for what I want a lot of the time. I’m not the person I was when I started out my journey into game, somehow.

I’ve only fucked 2 girls in my life. I haven’t been laid in over 2 years.

As a man, that is failing at one of my primary purposes in life. I sometimes I push myself to the bone to go out and be social. Dating is a skill like any other. Some guys are natural at it.

Some guys aren’t and don’t get laid naturally.

Some guys don’t do something about it, and rationalize that they could get any girl they want, or that “man I’d fuck the shit out of (girl walking by)(co-worker)(girl in friend group)(etc.)” when in reality they wouldn’t, because they can’t. Instead of filling out their purposes and potential, they rationalize that “ehh she just wasn’t my type” or “No, it’s not the right time” or some other bullshit excuse, and they fill their time up with something else because they chose to be comfortable and bullshit their life away.

I am not that guy.

For the most part, when somebody sees me out, they see me talking to everyone, girls especially. At this point I’m able to meet and attract girls consistently, and maybe 90% of the time I’ll get their numbers. That’s not hard for me.

To the outside world, to a lot of my friends, I seem like the guy that gets laid a lot. “Oh man, he got the number. He’s so cool.” But to me, the number’s cute, but it’s not what I want. It’s not what I want for me, the girl, or the people around me.

I am not the guy who sucks ass with girls and doesn’t do something about it. I’m the guy that’s hyper-aware of game and myself, and when I know I’m not doing things that move me towards the guy I want to be, it fucking kills me.

When I hit a wall… it sucks. I don’t feel I can see what’s stopping me or if I can actually improve upon it. I lack belief in myself.

I hit points where I feel like I’ll never get good, I don’t deserve happiness, and my life will be like this forever.

Logically, that is bullshit, because I do put in work and I’m moving in that direction.

I’m working on my health more than ever before, most of my days are adventures, and to my friends and family I’m living in amazing life.

To myself, I’m living on my own in a big city, growing always towards the person I want to become…

and I still can’t let go of my past and what people think of me, and I still don’t see myself in the highest of light.

My self-esteem is moderately low, but growing. I have a ton to be grateful for and I know that things are getting better.

If you’re struggling with something similar, maybe I can relate this to you. I don’t really know what other’s think of me, but if the light is too high, I wanted to humanize myself. I have struggles like anyone else, and this life can be hard no matter what path you take. I have high standards for what I want my life to be like, and sometimes I live by that completely and other time I compromise myself, and that fucking sucks. But from my experience so far, even with all the bullshit, this life we’re all given is so amazing and it’s totally worth every single fucking struggle to be a part of.

I love this life and wouldn’t trade it for the world, and I hope you can honestly say you can do the same. There’s work to be done that only you can do for your own life, and it’s up to each one of us to do that work.

My life isn’t perfect, and that’s why it’s perfect. I don’t want you or anyone else reading this to think it is. I’m on my own path, you’re on yours. I’d ask to not compare yourself to mine and do what is best for you, and I’ll try to do the same.

Thank you for reading.


  1. Awesome read.

    Don’t let your awareness of game cast over you like a responsibility you are putting off (giving yourself guilt over not doing something. )
    Do you ever go into “game mode” and therefore every interaction while you are in game mode must strive to help you get girls? This helped you get this far but now its time to get rid of that.

    Now its time to realize, you don’t need a game mode, and you don’t have a responsibility to go into your game mode.

    When you are out and about. Try letting the real Zack charm the girls. Start screening and understand what kind of girl you like.

    Screening will keep you busy enough to not be “hyper aware”

    Besides, don’t beat yourself up because you aren’t “gaming” 24/7.

    1. Author

      Thanks brotha, I appreciate the feedback. I’ll work on it (sry for late reply just saw this lol).

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